Overdue Update

Hey, ya’ll!

It’s been SEVEN months since my last blog post. I would be lying if I told you that nothing has happened and that’s why I haven’t written. My last post for ya’ll was talking about my experience at basic training. I guess life has been pretty crazy, and I honestly haven’t had the motivation (or the computer) to keep up with my blog. Well, now I am settled in my new duty station and just recently purchased a MacBook Air, so I’m ready to rock.

Since my last post, I went through 16 weeks of training to become a combat medic in the United States Army. It was pretty intense, and I learned so much. I gained confidence in myself and my skills to save the lives of my brothers and sisters in combat and in garrison. Along with that, I met some pretty amazing people. I grew close with such a wonderful group of people, and I wholeheartedly believe that I would NOT have made it through those 16 weeks without them. As much as I was ready to leave the training environment and go out into the real army, I was so sad to be separating from the people I become so fond of. We still keep contact in a mass group message, but it still gets pretty lonely here without them and I miss them like crazy.

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After four months of not being able to see my husband, I was able to spend a short weekend with him after I graduated and before I headed off to my next station. I also got to see my Meeko for the first time since leaving for basic training. It was such a short short weekend, but I was so grateful for the time I did have with my little family.

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I got station here at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington state. I was pretty excited about this assignment because I have always wanted to visit the beautiful state. This made me realize that it’s pretty cool that I get paid to travel. I have only been here for a couple months, but so far I’ve gotten to visit Seattle (which has become one of my FAVORITE cities EVER), I’ve gone on a few hikes in some pretty quiet and remote areas, and I got attached to an infantry unit. This means means that I get to go out on field missions with the infantrymen, which usually lasts for weeks.

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As exciting as all of this was, something just wasn’t setting right for me mentally. It could have been the complete change in environment and lifestyle. It could have been the fact that I was no longer surrounded by my friends. It could have been that I was no longer a training soldier and now I was expected to really preform my duties. My depression and anxiety had escalated very quickly. I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t even handle being around people. I couldn’t handle responsibility. I couldn’t handle being alone. One Monday night, I had thoughts of taking my own life. I had the pills sitting out on my desk, and I started doing some research what an overdose was like. Honestly, it sounded absolutely miserable, and it could take three to four DAYS. I don’t want DAYS, I thought to myself, I want instant. That’s when it really hit me that I needed help. I immediately got up and drove myself to the ER. I spent a week in the mental health ward. Once I was out, I made the decision to separate from the army and to go home back to Ohio and start a new life, and I was very dead set on that decision.

However, something STILL didn’t set right with me. I started my weekly sessions with my therapist, but one appointment wasn’t like the others. She asked me to explain what would happen if I stayed in the army. She said from listening to me talk, I have very low self-confidence, and no esteem. She said she has talked to my command, and they all talked highly of me and my performance as a medic. We ended up talking about how I never really finish anything I start. I always quit whenever I get a little bit uncomfortable. I don’t know really what happened, but all of a sudden I was thinking about how I wanted to stay in. I didn’t want to quit this time. I want to feel self-satisfaction when I actually finish my contract. I want to gain that self-confidence. I want to change the way I view myself.

And its amazing.. Ever since I made the decision to stay in the army, I’ve been so at peace with myself. And it feels like good things keep happening. I keep having good days, I’m finally making friends, and my whole role as a medic is about to change. It’s like this is God’s way of showing me that I’m on the path He wants me to be on.

I finally found a little church to go to. It’s pretty small, but the energy inside is so alive. David will be moving up here in less than 12 months. I have a list of people who are making plans to come see me. And I’m planning a trip home for Christmas.

My life has been such a roller coaster the last two months, but I really believe that everything is turning around for the better, and I am keeping a positive outlook. I have hope for the future.

♥♥ Keera ♥♥

 

To My Husband Before I Go..

Hello, my love.

           I know we didn’t expect this day to come up so fast. We’ve been talking about it for months. Those months turned into weeks. Now we’re down to just a couple of days. I know we automatically put our smiles on and tell everyone that we will be okay, and we even just tell each other we will be okay. Which, we will be. I have no doubt about that. However, we don’t have to act like it won’t be hard. You are my other half, and being apart from you is going to suck so bad. You are that thing that can always make me feel at ease when my anxiety gets the best of me. You are my sunshine when my depression kicks in. You are my best friend. I can come to you about everything. You are the only person who I feel 100% comfortable with. I can’t even begin to tell you how awful it’s going to be when I can’t even talk to you. When I can’t listen to your voice to calm myself down. When I won’t be able to feel your skin to feel like I’m home.

And it won’t even end after basic. For two or more years, we’re only going to see each other a handful of times. We’re going to have to compare schedules and try to fit in times to talk. Communication is going to be more important now than ever. It’s going to be hard to keep each other included in every detail of our lives.We have to remember to not leave each other out. It’s going to be extremely hard. At first, at least. It’ll take a little bit for us to get into the swing of things.

But you know what, we got this. When I think about everything we’ve already been through, this is nothing. A cake walk. Sometimes I wonder why I even worry. The main reason why I feel like we can do this is because of you. You reassure me whenever I need it. You never make me doubt that you love me. You show me that you are going to do whatever it takes to make this work. I know I am not in this alone. I won’t be going through this marriage by myself. And that is such an AMAZING feeling. There are people who live with their husband/wife and all of the work is one-sided. We’re going to be living in different states and we both are going to be putting 100% in. I am the luckiest woman in the world. God has blessed me with you.

I can’t wait to see where we go from here. We have so much ahead of us. So much love, success, adventure, growing. I love you.

Love, your wife

How Does One Really “Prepare” For This?

Are you going to stay married?

What’s going to happen with you and your husband?

I don’t understand why you’re doing this when he’s already in.”

These are all questions/statements I have gotten from various people this past month or so. Some people know my husband and I, some don’t (but still wanted to make comments). There are some people very close to us who I feel like don’t have faith in our marriage, so they try to get me to go reserves or not enlist at all. I have even gotten the, “Does your husband approve of this?

David is 100% supportive of my decision to enlist. He’s heard me talk about it for years. Of course he doesn’t WANT me to leave. But he understands. He’s even been the main person pushing me to follow my dream, since my anxiety was holding me back. So if anyone would like a copy of the permission slip he signed, hit me up.

Even though this post is going to be about me preaching that David and I will be just fine doing long distance no matter what anyone says, I just want to start out by saying that it doesn’t necessarily mean we haven’t had doubts.It’s human nature. Worrying about the other person getting lonely, or getting really close with a coworker, etc. IT IS NOT A TRUST ISSUE. We know that one person wouldn’t do anything unfaithful to the other. But humans also can’t help their feelings. With us both being active duty, there’s going to be loads of schedule inflictions. Field ops, deployments, time zones, training, etc. It’s not going to stop for the next four or more years. There are going to be times where we won’t talk for long periods, or we will each be so busy that we don’t have the time to show the other the attention we would like. David plans on getting a second job after I leave because he can’t stand sitting at home by himself, doing nothing.  And stress like this can take a huge toll on a relationship. I’m sure we’re going to argue. We’re going to get butthurt when the other one is too busy to talk. We’re going to feel a little jealous that something else is taking up all of the attention of the other. It’s going to be extremely ugly at some points.

And that’s okay.

I don’t know why people think that a couple arguing or going through a rough patch is such a terrible thing. If you’re going to be with someone for the rest of your life, then you can expect to not get along sometimes. It doesn’t matter if you’re doing long distance or you’re together 24/7, 80 years is a long freakin time to be with someone. I actually think it’s impossible to get along with ANYBODY 100% for that long. Stop thinking that you have to put on this perfect facade of your relationship. Just stop.

David and I know all of this. We know that there’s no telling when we’ll be living together again. There are a couple of things that we need to plan still.

But we are confident. We’ve done long distance before. We have to go back to facetime dates, holiday planning, leave dates, the whole shabang. And we are okay. We don’t want to be separated, but we’re staying positive. We talk about how exciting it’s going to be to have weekend visits again, to really appreciate our time together. We talk about how we’re going to deal with certain feelings coming up. Certain situations. We talk about how we need to improve our communication skills, so we’ll be A1 once we’re thousands of miles apart. We talk about all of the cool things we might get to do or see, since we’ll both be in different places.  We even talk about our post-military life. The house we want to live in for the rest of our lives. Our future children.

There is so much adventure in our future. Some we’ll take on together, some we’ll experience apart. And we are so excited for the other person. Frankly, I’m happy David will get to live the next two years without a wife who constantly wants him to be home. Who is a total homebody and kind of forces him to be a homebody too. He’ll actually be able to go out with his friends or whatever without having to worry about spending enough time with me. He’ll get to grow individually. And for me, I will finally learn how to be on my own. I am 22 years old and I have never been on my own. From living with my family, to a college dorm with an awesome roommate and boyfriend who I was with 25/8, to being back at my parents house, to now living with my husband. This is my opportunity to grow up. To push out of this little bubble I’m in.

I’m sure that all of this radiant positivity we have will change as soon as we start missing each other. But all we have to do is remember everything we talked about. If I decide that I want to stay in the Army for a few more years and he wants to stay in Ohio and work, then we’ll get through that too. I have no doubt in my mind that as long as we stay focused on the bigger picture and keep God in our marriage, then we will be unstoppable. We will shock the haters, the doubters. We will continue to show others that it is not “impossible’. That it’s not about statistics. It’s about love. Determination. Courage. Commitment. Forgiveness. God. Faith. Hope.

When someone asks us how our marriage is holding up in a year or five, we will confidently say that we love each other more now than the day we got married.

♥♥Keera♥♥