The Fight

I wish there was a way for me to really explain what my anxiety and depression is like. I say “my”, because everybody’s is different. People have different triggers, different symptoms, and different ways of coping.

It’s 1:30 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I am physically sick. My mind is moving 200 mph. I can’t focus. I can’t look at myself.

I am completely broken.

It’s hard when everyone sees you as this smiling, bubbly girl who’s always laughing at something. Hiding all of this emotion behind the smile is so mentally, emotionally, and even physically exhausting. They don’t know that my stomach is in knots and I feel nauseated. They can’t see my thoughts racing in my head so fast that I can’t even comprehend them. They have no clue that I looked at myself in the mirror that morning and hated what I saw. They would have never guessed that I cried myself to sleep the night before.

But I don’t want them to know me that way. I like the image they’ve created of me. I want to be the girl they see.

Because I’m ashamed of what I see.

When I look at my own reflection, it doesn’t take long before I start picking out every single flaw. Every teeny tiny, minute detail that doesn’t even matter.

And it wouldn’t matter, if this was a normal day.

You see, it’s not always like this. Thanks to modern science and therapy, I am able to be that happy person most of the days. But nothing is perfect. When those off days hit, they hit hard. I don’t see them coming. I don’t see the demons sneaking up on me. If I could, I would do whatever I could to stop them from taking over.

I don’t want to feel this way. I HATE feeling this way. I turn into a completely different person and I hate her.

I hate her so much that I feel willing to kill her.

But I can’t.

Because she’s me.

So instead, I have to fight her. I have to push through all of the thoughts, all of the emotions. I have to break free from the bindings.

I HAVE to survive another day.

She hasn’t won yet, and I’m never going to let her.

But she’s also never going to go away.

Overdue Update

Hey, ya’ll!

It’s been SEVEN months since my last blog post. I would be lying if I told you that nothing has happened and that’s why I haven’t written. My last post for ya’ll was talking about my experience at basic training. I guess life has been pretty crazy, and I honestly haven’t had the motivation (or the computer) to keep up with my blog. Well, now I am settled in my new duty station and just recently purchased a MacBook Air, so I’m ready to rock.

Since my last post, I went through 16 weeks of training to become a combat medic in the United States Army. It was pretty intense, and I learned so much. I gained confidence in myself and my skills to save the lives of my brothers and sisters in combat and in garrison. Along with that, I met some pretty amazing people. I grew close with such a wonderful group of people, and I wholeheartedly believe that I would NOT have made it through those 16 weeks without them. As much as I was ready to leave the training environment and go out into the real army, I was so sad to be separating from the people I become so fond of. We still keep contact in a mass group message, but it still gets pretty lonely here without them and I miss them like crazy.

IMG_0627

After four months of not being able to see my husband, I was able to spend a short weekend with him after I graduated and before I headed off to my next station. I also got to see my Meeko for the first time since leaving for basic training. It was such a short short weekend, but I was so grateful for the time I did have with my little family.

IMG_0707

I got station here at Joint Base Lewis-McChord in Washington state. I was pretty excited about this assignment because I have always wanted to visit the beautiful state. This made me realize that it’s pretty cool that I get paid to travel. I have only been here for a couple months, but so far I’ve gotten to visit Seattle (which has become one of my FAVORITE cities EVER), I’ve gone on a few hikes in some pretty quiet and remote areas, and I got attached to an infantry unit. This means means that I get to go out on field missions with the infantrymen, which usually lasts for weeks.

IMG_1087

As exciting as all of this was, something just wasn’t setting right for me mentally. It could have been the complete change in environment and lifestyle. It could have been the fact that I was no longer surrounded by my friends. It could have been that I was no longer a training soldier and now I was expected to really preform my duties. My depression and anxiety had escalated very quickly. I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t even handle being around people. I couldn’t handle responsibility. I couldn’t handle being alone. One Monday night, I had thoughts of taking my own life. I had the pills sitting out on my desk, and I started doing some research what an overdose was like. Honestly, it sounded absolutely miserable, and it could take three to four DAYS. I don’t want DAYS, I thought to myself, I want instant. That’s when it really hit me that I needed help. I immediately got up and drove myself to the ER. I spent a week in the mental health ward. Once I was out, I made the decision to separate from the army and to go home back to Ohio and start a new life, and I was very dead set on that decision.

However, something STILL didn’t set right with me. I started my weekly sessions with my therapist, but one appointment wasn’t like the others. She asked me to explain what would happen if I stayed in the army. She said from listening to me talk, I have very low self-confidence, and no esteem. She said she has talked to my command, and they all talked highly of me and my performance as a medic. We ended up talking about how I never really finish anything I start. I always quit whenever I get a little bit uncomfortable. I don’t know really what happened, but all of a sudden I was thinking about how I wanted to stay in. I didn’t want to quit this time. I want to feel self-satisfaction when I actually finish my contract. I want to gain that self-confidence. I want to change the way I view myself.

And its amazing.. Ever since I made the decision to stay in the army, I’ve been so at peace with myself. And it feels like good things keep happening. I keep having good days, I’m finally making friends, and my whole role as a medic is about to change. It’s like this is God’s way of showing me that I’m on the path He wants me to be on.

I finally found a little church to go to. It’s pretty small, but the energy inside is so alive. David will be moving up here in less than 12 months. I have a list of people who are making plans to come see me. And I’m planning a trip home for Christmas.

My life has been such a roller coaster the last two months, but I really believe that everything is turning around for the better, and I am keeping a positive outlook. I have hope for the future.

♥♥ Keera ♥♥